I’ve noticed this terrible change in myself over the last few weeks.
Whenever I’m down, I get sad and quiet and close to tears. But it’s laughably temporary. A mood swing that’s easily fixed by an hour with my friends or going for a run somewhere far away.
This is different though. I’m not sad exactly. It’s more a terrible frustration with everything and everyone around me. It’s like I have constant road rage, repeating my new mantra of “this is bullshit” over and over to myself and swearing at people in my head. Especially those girls in the library that walk at the pace of a blooody snail blocking my path down the stairs. I glare at their ponytails swinging infuriatingly side to side whilst shouting internally “hurry the fuck up”.
But I smile and mutter “excuse me” as I try and get past. They giggle their apologies.
Literally they can go and spill their fucking coffee down their irritatingly well-put-together outfits.
Do you see what I mean?
My course frustrates me. French essay writing is boring, grammar is even worse. Don’t even get me started on Chinese pronunciation.
Some poeple seem to actually like their degrees. Their faces shine with passion and enthusiasm as they talk about their most recent essay which was “actually so fascinating, I did so much extra reading”. Shut the fuck up Jemima, no one gives a shit.
My flatmates frustrate me too. I know it’s my own fault. I get grumpy and snappy and then feel terrible and clean the kitchen as my way of saying sorry.
No one says thank you. Fucking thankless bastards.
But I’m fully aware that this is all me. As much as I want to believe the whole world truly is against me, I’m not naive. My own bad mood has got the better of me. It suprises me that it’s stuck around for so long. My innate happy character usually bubbles over and I’m impossible to keep down for long. I love things too much and, usually, everything delights me. Just not these past few weeks.
So, needless to say, most of the internal swearing is directed at myself. Because I myself am the biggest cause of my frustration right now.
Calm the fuck down. Just fucking get on with it. Stop being a grumpy asshole. Be a better friend. Try not to care so much. PUT DOWN THE FUCKING CHOCOLATE.
It’s exhausting. Perhaps I need to be a little bit nicer to myself.